Prehistoric Women Triple Creature Feature

Don't you miss drive-ins? Nothing like watching 3 movies from the comfort and privacy of your car - as opposed to being bled dry to see one lousy 90 min film in today's theaters whilst packed in like sardines with a ton of smelly germ-infested members of the local population and in particular the idiot in front of you obstructing the view with some stupid hairstyle or hat and that one crying brat that won't shut up who is inevitably always there (oh lord the humanity - ick!)

Here we have a triple feature in the spirit of those wonderful drive-in days of yore featuring the savage nature of that most deadly of creatures... Women ;) Presented here in all its prehistoric glory.

So pop some popcorn, get yourselves a soda or beer and settle in for: The Prehistoric Women Triple Creature Feature!!
[mentally insert ominous 1960s era monster movie sound effects here]



Up first is...

Prehistoric Women (1950)
(aka The Virgin Goddess)

Narrator: "It's the story of romance when the world was young."

This one is not the greatest of films but as one of the earliest examples of the whole prehistoric women genre its good for (pre)historical purposes ;) Overall its decent enough and watchable... that is once you get past the night scene at the beginning that suffers from the old-movie-night-scene-with-no-lighting syndrome you seem to find in every movie from this era where you can't see a darn thing - Why directors of all these old time movies insisted on filming night scenes all the time when they had no way of producing adequate lighting is something that mystifies me. Its a particularly bad phenomenon amongst old horror movies and samurai/ninja flicks where half the film always seem to be complete darkness. Luckily only about two such scenes here.

Plot: The film tells the story of Tigri (Laurette Luez) and her stone-age girl friends who grew up in a prehistoric tribe of women formed when some of the women fled with the female children to escape the tyranny of the males. However, as the girls got older the mating instinct has taken over...

Narrator: "This is the woman of our story. She is Tigri, the leader of her tribe. Under the spell of a full moon, Tigri and the women of her tribe dance restlessly, Savagely, impelled by a feeling of frustration, of a promise unfulfilled..."

The six determined women then head out to abduct some men for mating purposes.

Narrator: "Engor and his tribesmen are Amazed to see that they've been attacked by members of the weaker sex!"

One of their victims is Engor (Allan Nixon), who seems to be a tad bit smarter than the rest of the men. He discovers fire and cooked meat, battles a monstrous giant (played by real-life giant Johann Petursson), gets the women to fight over him, and stages a revolt against the women.

Narrator: "It seems that women were women in those days too, a handsome male captive makes his appearance and suddenly there's trouble."

The insipid yet sometimes funny narrator gives this film a documentary feel (as does the camerawork but we won't go there) of the sort which reminds me of nothing so much as all those films they would constantly show in middle school (only with lots of prehistoric babes in skimpy outfits) in place of actually teaching us anything - you know the ones on the outdated shaky projector that they'd always make a student run so they'd have someone to blame when the film invariably jammed up in it - but I digress...

Narrator: "This is the night before the full moon. Time is running out for the male captives. By tomorrow the marriage ceremonies will have been completed." ... "Engor knows too well what the coming of the full moon means, either escape or servitude."

Savage! Primitive! Deadly! See prehistoric beauties fight! See the giant caveman! See the invention of fire! See the world's first swan dive! See it all in the glory of beautiful new Cinecolor!



Prehistoric Women (1950)
Duration: 01h 14min
Xvid
645 mb

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Narrator: "Strangely enough, the swan dive was invented before the swan."





Next we have Prehistoric Women. What again? No, this is a different one...

Prehistoric Women (1967)
aka Slave Girls

Beaten into submission . . . turned into slaves . . . man at the mercy of a Kingdom of Prehistoric Women!


One of the most bizarre films ever released by Hammer, this film was produced using sets and costumes left over from the film One Million Years B.C. spliced with the lost city/evil queen aspects of She resulting in something surreal, even for the 60s.

Plot: In Africa, game hunter David Marchant (Michael Latimer)is kidnapped by a tribe of natives. He is subjected to cruelties beyond imagining as he is forced to watch these tribal dudes dance around in their white rhino masks (which come complete with enormous phallic-shaped noses). The tribal leader whines on about how he defiled their land and no one is allowed to hunt there and also babbles about how his tribe is in spiritual bondage to the white rhino god until something or other happens because of something that already happened and until that time all who enter the sacred land must die.

Then as they go about preparing to sacrifice him to the white rhino god and are just about to stab him to death but good, he decides that moment would be a splendidly wonderful time to just reach out and touch the horn of their white rhino statue - which naturally instantly freezes everyone around him and simultaneously opens a portal to another time. Just what you'd expect to happen when you grope a white rhino horn, right?

So, he is thrown backwards in time to a prehistoric kingdom of brunette women and their blonde slaves - the kind of prehistoric kingdom where people speak English, wear false eyelashes and eyeliner and lots of make-up, have nicely shaved legs, manicured fingernails, and take bubble baths - but prehistoric nonetheless.

Then you go through all the huh where am I, oh look its a prehistoric girl being chased by other prehistoric girls, maybe I'll help her, oh look we're captured stuff and eventually he gets brought before the Queen.

The leader of the dark-ones is the cruel and treacherous Queen Kari (played by statuesque beauty Martine Beswick). She wants Marchant to be her mate and even offers to share power with him if he accepts, but he is appalled by her cruelty. David rejects the advances of Queen Kari and sides with the blondes (typical), which leads to him being imprisoned in the dungeon. Can David find some way of returning to his own time? And if he does, what will be awaiting him when he returns? (Who cares? The fool turned down Martine Beswick - he deserves to die! ;)

Featuring plenty of tribal girl dance numbers, the occasional cat-fight, the obligatory slave-revolt, Miss Beswick's abs, a gloriously cheesy jungle battle, the attack of a papier-mâché rhino, some great dialog ["What makes you so cruel?" "Cruelty has made me cruel!" and "He hates you. Why?" "The man he used to hate died last week. He needs someone new." and "When the heart is heavy, so are the feet"] and a surprise ending that makes no sense but probably has something to do with all the blithering on about the white rhino god. This film is sheer amusing nonsense from start to finish. One of the most incredible things about it is that the actors played it so deadly serious – not a tongue to be found in cheek despite the lunacy of it.


Slave Girls (aka Prehistoric Women - 1967)
Dual-audio: english and french tracks
Duration: 01h 27min
DivX
701 mb

01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08

Here's a few more pics to look at while waiting for DL ... thumbnailed because there are so many, so click 'em for full size. Check out the cool retro movie posters including the one silkscreened dayglo pink (EEK!)






And the final movie this evening is...

One Million Years B.C. (1966 Hammer remake of One Million B.C. 1940 [which had Lon Chaney Jr. in it])




Today, One Million Years B.C. is mostly remembered for the camp value of Raquel Welch in a fur bikini (actually animal skin if you look but everyone says fur when talking about it) – an image that has gone on to become a poster classic and be endlessly imitated on film and elsewhere - but, One Million Years B.C. is also to be remembered as possibly the best entry to have graced the whole wildly anachronistic caveman vs. dinosaurs sub-genre.



What decisively makes One Million Years B.C. the best of the caveman vs. dinosaur films is Ray Harryhausen’s superb stop-motion animation effects which rival most computer generated effects even today. Harryhausen had really polished his art by the point he made One Million Years B.C. and there are some excellent scenes including fighting off a giant turtle, John Richardson impaling a dinosaur on a spear and Raquel Welch’s abduction by a pterodactyl. The standout setpiece though is the enthralling battle between the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Stegosaurus, which Harryhausen animates even down to tiny details like the T-Rex’s panting as it expires. Also it has Raquel Welch AND Martine Beswick in animal skin bikinis AND they catfight! ;)



The Plot: Tumak (John Richardson), a member of the Rock Tribe (real cavemen types - brutish, violent, dumb), is expelled from their cave after running afoul of their leader Akhoba (Robert Brown), who also happens to be his father, and his brother Sakana (Percy Herbert). After several days of wandering around avoiding dinosaurs and a giant tarantula, he stumbles upon several members of the Shell Tribe, a group that lives on the coast. They are blond beach types who introduce him to such innovations as improved spears, hot water, painting, crying and feminism.

Loana (Raquel Welch), the daughter of the chief, sees that he is in terrible shape from his ordeal and nurses him back to health. This causes her betrothed to become jealous and eventually the two of them get into a major fight over a spear and Tumak is expelled as a result. He's good at getting expelled from tribes it seems. However, Loana decides to join him and follows him back to the caves of his people but there's trouble ahead including fraternal friction, a jealous ex named Nupondi (the raven-haired beauty Martine Beswick being a bad girl again ;) and lots of Harryhausen dinosaurs, and even exploding volcanos.

Factoids:
* Humans and dinosaurs were not contemporaneous. There were no dinosaurs one million years ago, after having gone extinct 65 million years ago.
* This was Hammer's 100th production.
* As the Shell People are attacked by a giant turtle, the women call it "Achelon" which is the real scientific name for the animal.
* Robert Brown (Akhoba) wears makeup identical to that worn by Lon Chaney Jr. in the same role in the 1940 version (One Million B.C. (1940)).
* The exterior scenes were filmed in the Canary Islands in the middle of winter.
* Raquel Welch's grunting was dubbed by Nikki Van der Zyl.

One Million Years B.C. (1966)
Duration: 01h 36min
DivX (there's a bit of pixelation along the bottom of the screen on this one but overall the video quality is good and its a great film so its worth putting up with)
701 mb

01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, 07, 08


This is the way it was...




Whew! That was a long post - hope someone enjoys it. *passes out now*